tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47995473829231761312024-02-19T23:20:01.291-08:00Hear me.~Bells_Of_Alice~http://www.blogger.com/profile/08731569115412176634noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4799547382923176131.post-20448562852522880872013-07-20T07:53:00.003-07:002013-07-20T07:53:59.428-07:005th GradeWhen I was in 5th grade, I FULLY started realising what my uncle was doing was incredibly wrong.<br />
I knew it, because of how many programs there were at school to prevent things like that from happening.<br />
Sadly, every one of those programs, I felt incredibly guilty for not telling.<br />
But back to the story.<br />
<br />
I remember being at my good friend Alexis's house, and we were watching her older sister throw tricks on a skateboard. <br />
I felt at that moment,that for some reason, I should tell her.<br />
We were already so close, and I hoped she would understand.<br />
But for some reason, I said my father's name instead of my uncle's.<br />
I told her everything he had done to me, but replaced the name with my father's. <br />
And let me tell you, that was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. <br />
That was my daddy, and I basically ruined his life in one day.<br />
Not even a day! Only an hour...<br />
I still feel extreamly guilty about it and I don't understand how he can still love me after all that.<br />
<br />
I don't even really understand why I said his name.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />~Bells_Of_Alice~http://www.blogger.com/profile/08731569115412176634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4799547382923176131.post-89389483229711200102013-06-22T20:43:00.000-07:002013-06-22T20:43:03.644-07:00How Can I Love?As i get older, i feel less and less attracted to men. The more I see them, the more they disgust me.<br />
I feel like at any moment, they'll do what he did.<br />
I feel like almost all guys are the same.<br />
<br />
When I was younger, I waited for my other uncles to do to me what Justin did. I figured it was what happened between an uncle and their niece.<br />
It never happened, and I started worrying about it a lot.<br />
<br />
But back to the point.<br />
<br />
My boyfriend...Sometimes I can't even kiss him. I love kissing him, and he makes me happy but there is a part of me deep deep inside that is sickened by kissing him.<br />
<br />
But i really like kissing girls. I love the way a girl holds me in her arms and whispers she loves me.<br />
Because then, and it feels like only then, I feel fully alive.<br />
<br />
Sometimes i sit and think, and I wonder: "How can I love someone, truly?"<br />
<br />
And the answer I always get:<br />
<br />
I don't know.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure of what to do, when devoting myself to someone.<br />
Hell, I may be fourteen but I want to feel what it's like fore someone to love me.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I feel my mother doesn't love me at all. And that I'm just like an annoying cat who keeps clawing at her legs.<br />
<br />
How can i trust and love someone when every person I trust bites me in the ass?<br />
~Bells_Of_Alice~http://www.blogger.com/profile/08731569115412176634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4799547382923176131.post-22828286167144772162013-04-10T17:14:00.000-07:002013-04-10T17:14:22.553-07:00Confession<strong>When I get depressed, i don't just get it in one day. It's like it takes it time to rob me of my "happiness".</strong><br />
<strong>I say that in parentheses because I'm not even really sure what true happiness is.</strong><br />
<strong>Anyway.</strong><br />
<strong>When i start to feel sad, I start to think I'm ugly and no one would care if i just walked away. Then, it leads to crying at night. Then that leads to this pain in my chest all the time; a pain i can't ever really get rid of.</strong><br />
<strong>Then I do stupid things to stop that pain. Things, that don't even really solve the problem.</strong><br />
<strong>They just make me feel better.</strong><br />
<strong>And this is where i start my confession.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<u><strong>My List To Stop The Pain</strong></u><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Cutting</strong></li>
<li><strong>Burning</strong></li>
<li><strong>Cigarettes</strong></li>
<li><strong>Weed (Marijuana, Dope, Green, etc.)</strong></li>
<li><strong>Fake Weed (Synthetic marijuana)</strong></li>
</ul>
<strong></strong><br />
<strong>I'm not proud of my list. Not at all.</strong><br />
<strong>And yet, it's so hard to stop. I think to myself every time i take a drag off my cigarette: "You could be singing. You love singing. You can't do that while doing this."</strong><br />
<strong>But i ignore my conscience.</strong><br />
<strong>Because it takes my pain away.</strong><br />
<strong>The weed, that doesn't help me, but i guess I'm addicted to it. Everyone says you can't get addicted to weed, but whoever said that is a liar.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<strong>For a short while, I was smoking synthetic weed. It's illegal now, and boy am i glad.</strong><br />
<strong>I was smoking it constantly. 24/7.</strong><br />
<strong>I even would smoke before i went to school.</strong><br />
<strong>But what sucked, was that i felt like i was dying, each trip I had. The more i smoked it, the more my chest felt tight, and the more i felt like my heart was going to stop.</strong><br />
<strong>I hallucinated, as well. </strong><br />
<strong>Being sexually abused my whole life didn't help the hallucinations either.</strong><br />
<strong>I was hallucinating people trying to rape me, or touch me.</strong><br />
<strong>I was hallucinating people in general.</strong><br />
<strong>I felt schizophrenic.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<strong>But then, it got illegal. So i had to switch to real weed. I admit, it's better than the fake stuff, but it still isn't cool. </strong><br />
<strong>I've failed the past three quarters of school because I'd rather smoke a damn bowl than do my homework.</strong><br />
<strong> And, the weed makes me more depressed than i was before.</strong><br />
<strong>I hate it, but I love it.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<strong>Barely anybody knows that i smoke weed. I try to keep it a secret i guess.</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
<strong>A horrible secret though, huh?</strong><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
~Bells_Of_Alice~http://www.blogger.com/profile/08731569115412176634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4799547382923176131.post-56087285487811024962013-04-05T12:38:00.000-07:002013-04-05T12:38:36.341-07:00Changing.I can't remember much after that. I just remember how much I changed in those few years.<br />
I went from pink, to black.<br />
From princess, to goth queen.<br />
From an innocent child, to a monster.<br />
<br />
I felt like a monster as I was growing up. I got angry with my parents way too often; sometimes I even hit my mom.<br />
I was violent, and full of rage.<br />
When I reached middle school, I guess I buried my anger. If I let it go, it'd make things worse.<br />
<br />
He was still doing it to me, but I was getting old enough to know that it was wrong. More wrong than I thought, too.<br />
<br />
I remember being on the computer in my grandmother's new house. It was her mother's. before she died. But now it's hers.<br />
My grandma, she has many siblings. So there had to be many rooms. And in one of the room's, was my grandpa's computer. <br />
My grandpa calls it his office. He sits in there and plays solitare on the computer, or does buisness forms online.<br />
But he always let me on it, and i sat their talking to a bunch of my online friends.<br />
I was talking to my friend Bre, i remember. She's a year younger than me.<br />
He came in, and leaned down, kissing me deeply. <br />
I pushed him back, then said "I could easily get you arrested."<br />
He said, "Oh yeah? Well, i don't think you'll tell anyone." He took out his cock from his jeans and started rubbing it on my tiny breasts. I pushed him again and whispered violently, "Touch me with that again and i scream like there isn't a tomorrow."<br />
He slapped it on my face, and as i opened my mouth to scream, he stuffed his cock in my mouth.<br />
He kept pumping it in my mouth, down my throat.<br />
I couldn't breathe.<br />
He kept doing it untill he came.<br />
It went down my throat and i choked on it.<br />
He kept it in my mouth untill i swallowed all of it.<br />
<br />
He zipped his pants back up and wiped the corners of my mouth, as i sat in y grandfather's computer chair, gasping for air.<br />
"Don't tell anyone. We wouldn't want the cops involved would we?"<br />
I shook my head, still gasping for air.<br />
He left and i still sat there. I turned to the computer.<br />
Bre had been freaking out. I told her what happened.<br />
She told me to tell.<br />
But i didn't.<br />
<br />
I started cuttig myself in 6th grade. The end of 6th grade. I cut all summer, then stopped.<br />
I started cutting again, the November of 7th grade. And then it continued. Untill 8th grade.<br />
All for the same reason.~Bells_Of_Alice~http://www.blogger.com/profile/08731569115412176634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4799547382923176131.post-37303603057780252892013-04-03T09:04:00.001-07:002013-04-03T09:04:12.751-07:00 6 years old.Alright. So this one, my memory isn't too good on.<br />
<br />
I was about six or seven, and i sat with my best friend, Boojean, on the couch with my mother.<br />
I remember sitting on the end of the couch, on the arm rest. I used to sit there because i loved how i used to fall off it.<br />
My brother, Chuckie, was about 16 around that time, and my uncle, only a few years older. They were best friends I guess.<br />
So they were going to play poker that night; they did almost all the time.<br />
But this time, my uncle came down to sit with me and my mother. We were watching T.V i remember, but i can't remember what.<br />
He sat down next to me, and me being a silly child, I sat on his lap.<br />
I shouldn't have sat on his lap.<br />
He put a pillow in front of me and unbuttoned my skirt. He reached his hand down and started playing with my pussy.<br />
My mother didn't even know.<br />
He whispered softly in my ear, "Don't make a <em>sound."</em><br />
<em></em><br />
I didn't make a sound, but i should have. I was too scared to do anything.<br />
My brother came down stairs and he got up from the couch.<br />
They left, and i ran into my small little room and buttoned up my skirt.<br />
I remember breathing heavily and was on the verge of tears.<br />
When i looked in the mirror at myself, i ended up crying myself to sleep.<br />
<br />
~Bells_Of_Alice~http://www.blogger.com/profile/08731569115412176634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4799547382923176131.post-70334727931608584712013-04-02T19:35:00.000-07:002013-04-02T19:35:23.092-07:00The First TimeI was four. Yeah. Four. <br />
<br />
And i remember the dollhouse in my aunt's room. My aunt had moved into college, but still sometimes stayed on holidays and breaks. But my grandma had made it into a little playroom for me and my cousin Kaitlyn.<br />
It had a dollhouse, a T.V, many coloring books and regular fantasy books. and she left all her unicorn stuffed animals there for me and Kaitie.<br />
And, it still contained her bed, so me and Kaitie could reach the light cord. Also, for naps.<br />
We loved taking naps together.<br />
That room was my favorite room.<br />
But not anymore.<br />
Kaitie wasn't there the day that i remember.<br />
It was just me, and I didn't mind it. I was a solitary kid, and liked playing alone sometimes.<br />
So there i was, sitting on the floor.<br />
I had my stuffed dog, Boojean, beside me. I had always loved that dog.<br />
She was my best friend. And she never told my secret.<br />
<br />
Anyway, i was playing with the doll house and sat the Daddy doll on the chair in the kitchen, and the other dolls around him. When i put the baby in her high chair, is when he came in.<br />
And when i mean him, i mean my uncle.<br />
My filthy uncle.<br />
"Hi Samantha," He said to me.<br />
I looked up and smiled, then hugged Boojean.<br />
"Hi Uncle--------," I said.<br />
He sat next to me, he legs out.<br />
"What'cha doing?" <br />
I played with Boojean's ears.<br />
"Playin' dolls with Boojean."<br />
"Yeah? Well how about this, you can be the Mommy doll, and I'll be the Daddy doll."<br />
"Like house?" I exclaimed.<br />
"Yes. Just like house. But see, Mommy's and Daddy's do things at night when you go to sleep. And that's what me and you are gonna do."<br />
I looked at him puzzled.<br />
"What do they do, Uncle --------?"<br />
"They play with each other."<br />
I hadn't noticed that he had unzipped his jeans, and his cock was out.<br />
He took Boojean from my hands, then put botth of my hands around his cock.<br />
They were tiny, so i guess he needed both of them.<br />
He moved them up and down his cock, and i had no idea what to do. <br />
"Keep going, Samantha," he whispered.<br />
He pulled down my stockings and big-girl panties, then started playing with my pussy.<br />
I'll admit, it did feel a bit good.<br />
But i knew that it was wrong. <br />
I kept stroking him, and he came all over my face.<br />
<br />
He sat there, looking at the cum on my face and breathed loudly. He stroked my cheek.<br />
"God, you're so beautiful," he whispered. He zipped up his jeans and pulled up my panties and stockings.<br />
And before he left, he whispered "Don't tell <em>anyone."</em><br />
There was a bit of blood in my panties, but i told my mother it was my brothers red pen that had exploded.<br />
I used to hide my brothers things everywhere on me; i liked stealing back then.<br />
And she believed me.<br />
<br />
But that night, i remember sitting on my bed with Boojean on my lap. It was 11:00 at night. And it was Christmas. <br />
I sighed and looked at my best friend, using the moonlight from my window to see her.<br />
"Boojean, i know you saw what happened. I like it. I don't like it. But please don't tell Mommy, okay?" I whispered to her.<br />
I made her nod her head at me and whisper back, "Okay Sammy."<br />
When i woke up that morning, I did not smile when i opened each gift, because i blamed Santa secretly.<br />
He gave me a horrible gift on Christmas Eve.<br />
~Bells_Of_Alice~http://www.blogger.com/profile/08731569115412176634noreply@blogger.com3