Saturday, June 22, 2013

How Can I Love?

As i get older, i feel less and less attracted to men. The more I see them, the more they disgust me.
I feel like at any moment, they'll do what he did.
I feel  like almost all guys are the same.

When I was younger, I waited for my other uncles to do to me what Justin did. I figured it was what happened between an uncle and their niece.
It never happened, and I started worrying about it a lot.

But back to the point.

My boyfriend...Sometimes I can't even kiss him. I love kissing him, and he makes me happy but there is a part of me deep deep inside that is sickened by kissing him.

But i really like kissing girls. I love the way a girl holds me in her arms and whispers she loves me.
Because then, and it feels like only then, I feel fully alive.

Sometimes i sit and think, and I wonder: "How can I love someone, truly?"

And the answer I always get:

I don't know.

I'm not sure of what to do, when devoting myself to someone.
Hell, I may be fourteen but I want to feel what it's like fore someone to love me.

Sometimes I feel my mother doesn't love me at all. And that I'm just like an annoying cat who keeps clawing at her legs.

How can i trust and love someone when every person I trust bites me in the ass?