I say that in parentheses because I'm not even really sure what true happiness is.
Anyway.
When i start to feel sad, I start to think I'm ugly and no one would care if i just walked away. Then, it leads to crying at night. Then that leads to this pain in my chest all the time; a pain i can't ever really get rid of.
Then I do stupid things to stop that pain. Things, that don't even really solve the problem.
They just make me feel better.
And this is where i start my confession.
My List To Stop The Pain
- Cutting
- Burning
- Cigarettes
- Weed (Marijuana, Dope, Green, etc.)
- Fake Weed (Synthetic marijuana)
I'm not proud of my list. Not at all.
And yet, it's so hard to stop. I think to myself every time i take a drag off my cigarette: "You could be singing. You love singing. You can't do that while doing this."
But i ignore my conscience.
Because it takes my pain away.
The weed, that doesn't help me, but i guess I'm addicted to it. Everyone says you can't get addicted to weed, but whoever said that is a liar.
For a short while, I was smoking synthetic weed. It's illegal now, and boy am i glad.
I was smoking it constantly. 24/7.
I even would smoke before i went to school.
But what sucked, was that i felt like i was dying, each trip I had. The more i smoked it, the more my chest felt tight, and the more i felt like my heart was going to stop.
I hallucinated, as well.
Being sexually abused my whole life didn't help the hallucinations either.
I was hallucinating people trying to rape me, or touch me.
I was hallucinating people in general.
I felt schizophrenic.
But then, it got illegal. So i had to switch to real weed. I admit, it's better than the fake stuff, but it still isn't cool.
I've failed the past three quarters of school because I'd rather smoke a damn bowl than do my homework.
And, the weed makes me more depressed than i was before.
I hate it, but I love it.
Barely anybody knows that i smoke weed. I try to keep it a secret i guess.
A horrible secret though, huh?
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